Burnout is NOT a Badge of Honour - A Cautionary Story We All Need to Hear
Plus, an ode to the amazing Kiwis impacted on Baby Loss Awareness Week (and why we need to keep tackling taboos).
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What We’re Thinking About This Week…
Kia ora e te whānau!
A little trigger warning here:
Ever since we started Capsule in 2020, there’s been one cause that’s been close to our hearts - Baby Loss Awareness Week. It’s a topic we have felt strongly and passionately about, in that stillbirths and miscarriage are so, so common - yet they are not nearly spoken about or understood enough.
Every year the week of Oct 9 – 15 is Baby Loss Awareness Week and here at Capsule we’re committed to sharing the stories and information about this topic which is SO important, yet so rarely openly discussed.
In NZ we don’t collect data on the number of miscarriages, but it’s estimated that between 13,000 to 15,000 women experience a miscarriage in NZ every year. That means for every four pregnancies, one ends in miscarriage.
Then, there are the babies who are stillborn – who die during pregnancy or in utero after the 20th week of pregnancy. Each year about one in every 200 pregnancies ends in stillbirth.
In my friend group, more of my mates than not have gone through some form of baby loss - until we all got to the age of trying for babies, I had no idea just how common it is to experience, and frankly it’s terrifying, devastating and shocking.
But even in the last few years, thanks to initiatives like Baby Loss Awareness Week, more conversations are happening and more stories have been shared by brave, brave people who are determined to not let their pain be in vain, especially for women like me who hope to be future mothers when the time comes to try.
Women can be the most incredible force on the planet when we’re united against a common enemy - and here, when we come together against ignorance, taboos and social convention, we are bloody amazing. This week our columnist Kim Crossman shared her full, raw experience of her own miscarriage and what she went through in the year that followed, and Jess Quinn also spoke to us about her two miscarriages and battle with endometriosis, as well as how they’ve changed and inspired her to help other women.
She says, “I think one of the learnings I’ve had is the anxiety about trying again and the wonder of ‘how long is it going to take’, ‘is the next one going to stick’ and then the anxiety you feel throughout the whole pregnancy because you know what loss feels like and you never want to feel that again.
“Although it’s hard, I just try change my mindset to focus on each day and the odds that it’s more likely to go well than not and try calm my mind in that way.”
And while Baby Loss Awareness Week is over for another year, we will remain dedicated to telling the stories that matter around all of women’s health and fertility. We’re sending so much love to all of you!
Burnout is NOT a Badge of Honour: Why Women Are Burning Out FAST Right Now – And the Counterintuitive Fixes that Work
Nikkola Silvester has been through burnout – she knows the exhaustion, the guilt, the stress and the mental load of being completely at the end of her tether. Burnout is no longer a buzzword, it’s become a global epidemic, and women are carrying a disproportionate share of the load. Here in Aotearoa, Massey University’s 2024 research found 57% of workers are now at high burnout risk, more than double from just a few months earlier. Globally, a Forbes survey of 5,000 working women this year reported nearly 1 in 4 feel job burnout. Nikkola, now a wellbeing coach, doesn’t think that’s good enough, so now she helps her fellow women get through burnout – and here she writes about her own experiences, as well as her advice on how to fix burnout:
I remember a moment, not too long ago, when I sat staring at my laptop, the cursor blinking at me like it was mocking my exhaustion. My inbox was overflowing, I was double-booked, and despite promising myself I’d slow down, the weight felt heavier. I was running on empty – and I knew I wasn’t the only one.
In conversations with women across all kinds of industries, I hear the same quiet confessions: “I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this pace” or “I feel guilty even thinking about taking a break.” Exhaustion has become the unspoken tax we pay for ambition, or the silent proof of how hard we’re working.
But burnout isn’t inevitable. And it should never be worn as a badge of honour.
Why “just rest” misses the point
‘I’m Single, Not a Freak Show’: What It’s Like Being the Last Single Gal in My Friend Group
36-year-old Auckland accountant Rebecca* writes that she’s had a bloody gutsful of being ‘the single one’ in her group. Here’s her plead to her ‘smug married couple’ friends who think her solo existence is entertainment – and for the love of God, don’t ask her to bring out her Bumble!
There’s a moment at every dinner party or Sunday pub session or post-netball gathering – always after the wine’s been poured – when the eyes turn to me.
“So, Becks… what’s happening on the apps?”
And just like that, I become the main act in the evening’s entertainment.
It reminds me of that scene in Bridget Jones where she’s at dinner with the ‘smug married couples’. It starts as a joke. Someone lunges for my phone, insisting we swipe on Bumble “for fun,” as if my romantic life is a glorious sandbox to play in when their own Saturday nights involve Netflix and arguments over who’s unloading the dishwasher.
They shout-laugh at bios, match me with men I explicitly said I wasn’t interested in, and compose flirty messages that are so far from anything I’d actually say, I sometimes wonder if I’ve been replaced by a rom-com character they’re workshopping on my behalf.
Drive to Succeed: So, You Want a Mentor… But How do You FIND a Mentor? How Do You Ask Them?! An Expert Walks Us Through it, Step by Step! (And Reveals the Number One Mistake She Sees Women Making When Asking…)
DRIVE TO SUCCEED: CAPSULE’S WORKING WOMEN’S CAREER HUB, POWERED BY TOYOTA
In this edition, we’re talking mentors: how to find one, how to ask someone to be your mentor and how to be a good mentor. We’re joined by mentoring expert, Dr Galia BarHava!
When it comes to mentoring, Dr Galia BarHava is one of NZ’s very top experts. She’s personally mentored hundreds of people, plus facilitated countless more through her business, Oro Group Mentoring.
An expert in organisational culture (plus, she’s a psychologist with a Phd in person-centered healthcare!) Dr Galia founded Oro Group, which delivers large-scale mentoring programs to corporations globally – everyone from Microsoft to ASB Bank. Previously, she’s worked as the inaugural Head of Ethics for NZ’s largest company, Fonterra and has held several board positions, including Deputy Chair of New Zealand’s National Advisory Council on the Employment of Women. Her relentless advocacy for women’s advancement earned her recognition as an Edmund Hillary Fellow.
Dr Galia also really tells things how they are – there’s no sugar-coating when it comes to her delivery. Which is why she’s the perfect person to go to for some honest advice on mentoring – and some harsh truths about what to (and not to do!) on your search for a mentor, as well as best practices once you’ve managed to get one!
I Went on an Intimacy Retreat for Adult Virgins: Emma Cains on the Stigma around Virginity, Self-Pleasure and Virgin Island
Emma Cains is one of 12 ‘adult virgins’ who went on a new and controversial UK reality tv show Virgin Island. On a luxury Mediterranean retreat, the group got a crash course on intimacy from a very “hands-on” team of sexologists. In a video interview with Capsule’s Vivien, Emma opens up about virginity, self-pleasure and confidence.
Virgin Island is a unique and controversial new reality tv show coming out from the UK.
Twelve ‘adult virgins’ (as the show called it) between the ages of 22 to 30 went on Virgin Island to find a way to overcome their struggles with with intimacy, with some even fearing getting touched.
On the island, a team of sexologists ran a very “hands-on” course on intimacy, connection, consent and well… sex.
Partner surrogacy therapy is a form of sex therapy used on the show, which involves three people: the ‘client’ (the participants in this case), a licensed sex therapist or clinical psychologist and surrogate partner.
Surrogate partners are trained professionals who engage with specific activities with the participant, such as touch, consent, emotional connection. It could be things like flirting, how to communicate and even sex.
The show has gotten critique for its approach, and critics have argued that the show is exploitative to an already vulnerable group of young people.
But other reviews (like The Guardian) have said that it’s more complex than that. If you get past the first episode (and maybe hit mute on all the moaning) – it’s surprisingly empathetic.
You start to see how honest, vulnerable and courageous these young adults are for exploring how the stigma around being an adult virgin has impacted their sense of self.
You follow them on a journey of self-discovery, embracing (and discovering) their sexuality and overcoming what’s blocking them from making romantic or intimate connections.
For then 23-year-old Emma Cains, who described herself as the DUFF “Designated Ugly Fat Friend”, she was really terrified at just the thought of intimacy and she wanted to overcome that.
Now 25, Emma tells Capsule that she’s a whole new person. She’s in her women empowerment era, and that she’s got that show to thank for that.
Midlife Musings: ‘What I Wish I’d Known About ‘Mum Guilt’ and the ‘Mother Load’ 25 Years Ago…
‘Mum guilt’ and ‘mother load’ weren’t words Sarah Catherall was familiar with, until she had her first baby at 31 – now 25 years ago – and found herself thrown in the deep end. Now, with some time has come perspective. Here’s what she’d like to tell herself back then (perhaps it may be helpful if you’re in the trenches right now too!).
Welcome to Midlife Musings with award-winning journalist Sarah Catherall. Sarah has spent more than 30 years writing for publications such as New Zealand Listener, The Post, The Spinoff, Vanity Fair and the BBC. She’s also the author of How to Break Up Well: Surviving and Thriving After Separation. Sarah is currently embracing her midlife years and in this instalment she writes about the trying to stay sane amid the anti-ageing movement.
As soon as my first daughter was born 25 years ago, the mother guilt and mother load began.
I loved being a mum and felt the maternal bond straight away. But I was 31 years old, with a successful journalism career, and used to my freedom. With a newborn baby, life – as it does – was transformed overnight to a constant blur of baby routines. Sometimes I didn’t leave the house all day, and it wasn’t unusual for my husband to come home from work and find me still in my dressing gown.
The walls closed in but I felt guilty for wanting, at times, to escape them. When Isabella was old enough, I enrolled her in a gym creche for a couple of hours, when I would go for a run or simply for a coffee on my own. But I always felt guilty and anxious – would she be okay, what if she wakes up and needs me, and I’m not there to soothe or feed her? These constant ruminating thoughts made me feel I was doing the wrong thing by taking time out for myself.
Hungry for More?
Here’s what we’ve read and loved this week. Check out some of this week’s best stories from the web:
Victoria Beckham Is Done Proving Herself: “I’ve Earned My Right to Show in Paris” Vanity Fair
My Boyfriend Is Wasting My Last Chance At Getting Pregnant Bustle
Malala Yousafzai Thought She’d Never Fall in Love New York Times
That’s it from us this week! Thanks for reading - we look forward to catching up with you again next week. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts on any of these posts today (or any others!) feel free to leave a message in the comments and we can have a chat!
Have a good week!
x The Capsule Team: Alice, Kelly, Vivien & Sarah